Ready for tonight?
Here’s a quick matchday checklist for Ingerlund Man :
Buy tabloid on way to work. Nod sagely at their appraisal of England’s chances tonight, chuckle at clever puns, tut at shocking stats on Uruguayan immigration.
Take the mickey out of Steve for getting Spain in the office sweep. OK so you’ve only got Algeria, but at least they’re still in the competition!
Stare blankly when Simon from Finance quotes from Henry Winter’s Telegraph column about Luis Suárez’s difficult childhood.
Invite the new receptionist to your barbecue. “You can have some of my sausage, love!”
Clip JJB Sports England flags back on the Vauxhall for the drive home. Give thumbs-up to all other drivers with England flags. Drive straight over a mini-roundabout in the process.
Stop off at petrol station for 2 packs of Benson and Hedges, 24 cans of Carlsberg that have been sitting in the sun all day and a bargain BBQ Meat Pack.
Set up barbecue. Shout at Sharon for only buying 2 packs of doritos and no dip. Call Dave and tell him to buy some extra chilli salsa dip on his way over. Crack open a Carlsberg and watch second half of Colombia v Ivory Coast.
Unattended barbecue catches fire just as Dave arrives. Old lady next door complains about the smoke. “Shut up you old bag!”
Remember to put on lucky England away top you bought for the 5-1 win in Germany in 2001.
Get Sharon to bung the BBQ meat in the oven.
Run out of Doritos.
Sing National Anthem while standing on sofa arm in arm with Dave.
Call at least 3 England players, 6 Uruguayans and 4 TV pundits c*nts.
Say “phworr, look at her!” when camera zooms in on pretty Brazilian fan.
Speculate as to whether she was actually a man.
Break coffee table in celebrations as England go 1 up.
Break bits of coffee table when Suárez immediately equalises. Call him a c*nt again but secretly wish he played for your team.
Argue with Dave about the permutations for the rest of the group / last 16.
Finish off the Carlsberg. Stomach feeling a bit iffy – did Sharon cook that chicken properly?
Throw a sicky for Friday.